The Zombie Lover's Guide to Dog Ownership

The zombie apocalypse is sure to be hard on dogs everywhere. While it's possible that zombies will have little or no interest in consuming the flesh of nonhuman animals, that is by no means certain. Even if the walking dead do not harm animals directly, their catastrophic impact on human civilization will have grave implications for dogs, whose lives are so closely interwoven with our own.

The Zombie Apocalypse: It's a Dog's Life
The Old Shepherd's Chief Mourner
by Edwin Henry Landseer

Make your dog a part of your zombie preparedness team, and you and he will both benefit when the dead rise! Developing a zombie outbreak plan now, and making sure your dog knows his part in your plan, will help you respond quickly and effectively when the zombie apocalypse begins.

On this page I am pleased to offer you some advice, information, and tools to help you and your dog along the road to zombie preparedness. I hope that you find them helpful, and that your dog is ready to take on his role as co-survivor, comforter, and trusted ally by the time the zombie apocalypse begins.

A chilly night, sirens in the distance, stumbling footsteps on the front porch. The zombie apocalypse is upon us, and you're prepared. Food stockpiled in the basement, barricades for the doors and windows, weapons a the ready, and your best friend at your... oh, wait.

Is that your darling dog capering amongst the zombies in your yard? Are those his mournful howls attracting ever more attention as he ignores your frantically whispered summons?

Basic obedience training is the single most important way you can prepare your dog for the zombie apocalypse. It may not sound very exciting, but basic commands like "sit" and "stay" are both useful in their own right and a necessary foundation for more advanced training. You can give him all the cool zombie gear in the world, but if your dog won't respond to a simple "come," he's not ready for the zombie apocalypse!

Here's the thing: you've never survived a zombie apocalypse before. Neither have I. It may be impossible to survive a zombie apocalypse in any meaningful sense. If it is possible to survive, we still don't know enough to reliably predict what skills will be the most important for survival.

All that being said, if you choose to teach your dog only one very handy skill for dealing with zombies, I think it should be "Go hide." In the video below, the very talented Maggie and her person, Caitlin, demonstrate a truly masterful "go hide." Check it out, and I think you'll agree that this is one trick that will definitely come in handy with zombies about.

Your Dog Should Not Eat Zombies

The savvy dog-loving zombie-prepper will, of course, maintain a stash of dog food as part of his or her well-stocked preparedness pantry. With zombies, however, nothing is certain, and there's always the chance you'll be forced to flee with few supplies.

If you find yourself on the run in zombie-infested terrain, you're going to want to minimize your stops and detours. This means no special trips for pet food.

The silver lining: many healthy foods that you enjoy are just as delicious to your dog, and much better for him than most prepared dog foods. Meat and fish are both great for your dog. Leave the seasonings and sauces out of his portions. Sweet potatoes cooked over a camp fire are a tasty treat you'll both enjoy. Oats and eggs make as good a breakfast for your dog as they do for you.

Don't give your dog any chocolate, grapes, or onions, and avoid seasonings and sauces. Choose healthy fats, lean meats, whole grains, and lots of fruits and veggies, and you can enjoy your meals together while the apocalypse unfolds around you.

I Smell Dead People Dog T-Shirt

Pleasantly, the gear most likely to help you and your dog fight zombies is also useful in less gruesome emergencies, or even for a walk in the park. Any well made tool that makes it easier to go for a nice walk with your dog will also make it easier to flee from zombies with your dog. Items that make camping with your dog more convenient are another handy resource, as sparsely populated wilderness areas are likely to become a safer haven when the zombies arrive.

As with training your dog for the zombie apocalypse, choosing items to include in your zombie preparedness kit will involve some guesswork. Choose tools that are useful to you in our pre-zombie world, and get used to using them with your dog now, and you'll maximize your chances of facing the zombie apocalypse with just the tools you need.

During the apocalypse, finding a dog bed once you've left home is likely to involve a dangerous detour. Socks, on the other hand, will probably be all over the place. You may have to overcome some squeamishness to get them, but they'll be around.

In this video, the socks are stuffed with cotton stuffing. Unlike socks, cotton stuffing may be tricky to find while fleeing from zombies. T-shirts, however, will be as plentiful as socks. Tear a few t-shirts up and use them to stuff your dog bed.

Killing zombies is just one part of the zombie apocalypse. Many of the tasks we'll need to accomplish when a zombie outbreak occurs are much more familiar. Moving efficiently and quickly from one place to another. Keeping ourselves fed, and sticking together. Probably some time spent camping.

Playing Dead Card

It's tempting to focus on zombie extermination to the detriment of preparations for the more mundane aspects of survival. Don't fall for that! Treat lesser emergencies, camping trips, and even casual excursions as training events for the zombie apocalypse.

Zombie preparedness is an uncertain art, as theories regarding the timing and nature of the zombie apocalypse are all highly speculative. What do you think is the most important skill or most useful tool for facing the zombie apocalypse with your dog?

Jamie and Barnie Will Eat You
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